Yes, animals masturbate, as anyone with a leg that has been vigorously humped by a randy Jack Russell terrier will readily attest. (I know, humping may also be a form of play and an expression of dominance, but it’s obviously sexual, and some dogs have orgasms doing it, so let’s be real about it.)

According to Professor Keith Kendrik, head of the Neurobiology Programme and Laboratory of Cognitive and Developmental Neuroscience at the Barraham Institute at Cambridge University, many male mammals touch and lick themselves to achieve erection, but only in primates is masturbation to ejaculation observed. Colobus, talapoins, macaques, baboons, mangabeys, mandrills, orangutans, gorillas, and chimpanzees, you know who you are… Female mammals, and especially female primates, have also been seen masturbating. (It does sounds a little kinky, watching them like that, but it’s science, and somebody’s gotta do it.) In fact, as a team of scientists writing in the journal Science recently concluded after observing orangutans in Borneo and Sumatra, the resourceful apes had learned the art of masturbating with sticks.

As long as we’re talking about animal sexuality, you may be interested to know which creature is the most well-endowed in the world. Without a doubt, the blue whale is the Tommy Lee of the animal kingdom-its penis is II feet long, and its testicles weigh up to 100 pounds each. Another interesting fact is that Aristotle Onassis is said to have upholstered the bar stools on his yacht Christina with whale penis leather. (if this sort of stuff intrigues you, you might find it worth your while, next time you’re in Reykjavik, to visit the Icelandic Phallological Museum. It is devoted entirely to the study of animal penises and houses ninety-nine specimens.)

If you intend to go online and do your own amateur research on animal masturbation or penis leather, be forewarned. You will inadvertently summon up a witch’s brew of extremely disturbing websites.