Oh, you must mean pseudofolliculitis barbae. C’mon, wouldn’t you rather have pseudofolliculitis barbae (PFB) than “ingrown hairs” or “razor bumps”? (If this reminds you of a traditional Italian song, you’re thinking of “Funiculi, Funicula,” which refers to a funicular railway, a kind of mountainside cable car, and has nothing to do with ingrown hairs or razor bumps.)

All these terms refer to basically the same condition, which occurs when the end of a hair shaft is cut, giving it a sharpened edge, and that hair shaft, as it grows, curls, either piercing the adjacent skin or a hair follicle. (This would be your extrafollicular penetration or your transfollicular penetration.) Either can cause a foreign-body inflammatory response and infection. PFB is frequently the result of shaving, hence the term “razor bumps.” And the dondition is more common in people with curly hair (it affects some 60 percent of African American men).

Obviously, people who have to shave each and every day would be especially likely to contract PF B. And who has to shave every single day, like it or not? Men in the military. (Here’s a cheerful grooming tip from a recent issue of Military Medicine magazine: “The combat environment, with the recent threat of biological and chemical weapons, requires the servicemen to be clean shaven for appropriate gas mask fitting around the face.”)

So the military has actually developed and implemented a written PFB Treatment Protocol. No, it’s not “Don’t Shave, Don’t Tell.” It’s more like: “Sir, request permission to totally avoid shaving for three to four weeks until all lesions have subsided, while applying Vioform-HC cream each morning; and to soften whiskers, begin a nightly application of Retin-A Cream 0.05-0.1% to beard skin while beard is growing out; and implement a circular brushing of the beard area with a polyester skin-cleaning pad or medium-firm toothbrush, four times a day for three to five minutes; and, once shaving bumps subside, to avoid a close shave by water-softening beard first with a hot, wet washcloth for five minutes, and then using a lubricating shaving gel and a PFB razor, and shaving with the grain of the beard, not stretching the skin, and using only one stroke over each area of the beard. Sir!”