This question is an obvious attempt to diss Santa Claus.
First of all, Santa’s ability to nimbly traverse rooftops, and maneuver himself down and then back up chimney stacks and through flues, hearths, and fireplaces of all sorts – all the while carrying an enormously heavy bag of gifts – obviously demonstrates an athleticism and an agility for a big man that belies the very meaning of “morbidly obese.” (The term morbidly obese is applicable to people who are 50 to 100 percent – or 100 pounds –above their ideal body weight OR who have a body mass index value (BMI) greater than 39.)
At a juncture in his career, when you’d expect him to be slowing down, Santa is actually putting up mind-boggling stats that surpass anything he’s achieved thus far. Just compare him to other mythic icons, like Hercules or Popeye or Mothra, at similar stages in their lives. After completing his record-breaking 12th Labor (bringing Cerberus up from Hades), Hercules, by his own admission, was unable to maintain the intense drive that had distinguished his career. Popeye, of course, retired and opened up a chain of fast-food restaurants. And Mothra was lured to his death by a giant porch lightbulb constructed by Japanese scientist.
During Christmas of 2005, Santa delivered some 3.9 billion toys, shattering the mark he’d set the previous season. This has, predictably, fueled scurrilous and completely unsubstantiated rumors of steroid use.
For the record, Santa Claus has adamantly denied ever using steroids or performance-enhancing drugs of any kind, and he has offered to submit himself to year-round random testing.
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"What would happen if a morbidly obese man got stuck in a chimney?" was posted on Monday, May 5th, 2008 at 5:43 pm.